artistry or just insanity?

everybody cares, everybody understands
yes, everybody cares about you
yeah and whether or not you want them to

it's a chemical embrace that kicks you in the head
to a pure synthetic sympathy that infuriates you totally
and a quiet lie that makes you wanna scream and shout

so here I lay dreaming looking at the brilliant sun
raining its guiding light upon everyone

for a moment's rest you can lean against the banister
after running upstairs again and againfrom wherever they came to fix you inbut
always fear the city's finest follow right behind

you got a pretty vision in your head
a pencil full of poison lead
and a sickened smile illegal in every town

so here I lay dreaming looking at the brilliant sun
raining its guiding light upon everyone
here I lay dreaming looking at the brilliant sun
raining its guiding light upon everyone

you say you mean well
you don't know what you mean
fucking out to stay the hell awayfrom things you know nothing about



-elliot smith....



u kno to much my dear




i m ready to kick things ready to kill things ready to leave this mucky muck...i wish i could find that cloud to jump from.. that pond to drown in.... that lastsmile... i wanna meet the maker sometimes.. im happy my life is changing from what it was ...


im sitting in my grave yard watching little birds die...watching my life waht it was.. and feeling sooo sick in side... cus i hate my self for putting my self in that in the shit and the stupid... im ready to move out of all of it... im ready to really afffect the world and stop talking bout it im so done... and u kno what .. i dont have to kill my self bout it.. but i kno what.. some people have no idea what they are whyng about .....


WAKE UP




its a shame.. but u cant be creative if ur happy


but im dying... when im round here

theres nothing like a cold octobre day
and a leather jacket
and a red scarf
and the wind
and a tear

even the grayest skies have some blue





thanku for letting me be alife
help me live up to it....

Do I stress you out
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate
I don't want to dissect everything today
I don't mean to pick you apart you see
But I can't help it
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already
If only I could hunt the hunter





right
i just wanna scream
i dont kno why i feel this way..
theres no reason for it.. im running into cheese graders i have no foot fungus amungus im going nuts.. i wish i would just lose my mind already.... so i seem to not able to get studio... again.. at the beginging of each project this happenes.. the thing is .. i dont have time to have a break down now... WHAT THE HELL......
im jumping thru buildings...
god make me a plasma
make me unreal






my dreams dont make sence.. im hearing voices again.....i donno....
i want my momie...
may be im just tired...
maybe im just burnt out
may be i need drugs... that arnt the prozaced

I was dreaming of the past
and my heart was beating fast
i began to loose control
i didt mean to hurt you
i m sorry i made u cry
i didnt wanna hurt you
im just a jelous guy
i was feeling insecure
u might not love me anymore
i was shivering inside

the voices of ghost sing to me via the winamp... hes gone but its the first song that played.....his beautiful cover... his beautiful voice.. his beautiful life.... his not so great morning after




je suis retard....

ive learned ive loved and ive lost....
iguees thats hows its gonna be for the rest of the time here

from this past summer ive learned....
death even tho its a parting... bring people back together
its like a human thing i guess.. i can only guess cus i dont kno
i feel lke my 5 year old little cusin at the funeral... just staring in wonder.. waiting for an answer
i learned how my grand parents met
how things happend
why im here
who slept with who
i mean i m fine with out a detailed history.. but i wanna have some past in my blood...


i wouldnt mind bleeding the future and crying the past....

i love
i miss home sometimes.. but.. i miss school more.. ive reached a new period in my life... i m gonna write about it later on probly and title it my discovery period or somthign


i disconect when i need to... unplug me like ur ethranet cable and im a golfball in the pond

elliot smith is dead

he was 34... im shure youve heard... i didnt know him .. but his music.. and if i can judge him from his music.. then .... he was a deep person,.... one that is a talent...

im kinda sad about that
and conflicted...



i donno...
ok...



i kno where im going... for now ...
its all an evolution
and we die
flowers
soem of the most precious die only to affect a be or a butterfly that will die in 5 days anyway but they will afect another flower... its all part of the system... and the system will not fall down.. cus.. sometimes things happen.... u need to care bout ur self in the end... but not selfish ly.... what ever happen to the golden mean my io the gods can down and fucked with our cows but what can you do but spill some wine...


i dont want to justify suicide... god knows i cant .. me of all people... but sometimes death happens.. we need those van gogh .....those emily dickensons those edgar allen poes....


why is it if it is sad its deeper?
why can joy and happyness be expresses in such dramatics?

i want answers... not now...


i have named my first art piece.....
and i have sctected out the others
and i have the screen play.........


i need to put the sound track to gether....




i dont kno if people wanna see whats in this head.... i really dont...

ART AND IGNORANCE
a reflection


never have i felt more ignorance than this past sunday. i went home and visited my dying now dead great grand mother.... the ignorance was everywhere... let me fill u in.. there are things in this world that a brother would kill his own brother for.. a mother would dissown her daughter.. a daughter would get married due to a bun in the oven a son would have an abortion a son ...a good man would get sucked in to a whirlwind of backwardness and peasentry and chickens...
this is my fathers family well not his dad's side but.. his mothers...
i present my self as a clean bone only spoiled where their name appears.. through them i am a drug addict steeling from my family, a dealler. a slut, an abortion pro on her 5th, a mother of a black dealer, a kill ur own mother for ur own neck.....
its funny im one of the first girls in this lineage who has not been pregnant be for 19.....yea... kinda sad aint it?
i was told once to wear make up and dress pretty so id find a husband so i wouldnt have to work....
right... theres a college education with my name on it.. i guess i shouldnt tell him im not changing my name when i get married.....


see how i wanna run away from this place this hell that is aliquippa? and west aliquippa?



if ur husband died... would u have a boy friend... if u were really old.. lets say 60s....and this hurt your kids...
start picking up his uneducated ways ... drop out of school cus u could... yea... and get knocked up cus it was the thing to do...so the husband died of a heart attack early on.. he was such a good man.. no saint but a good man... i mean he was italian... and he worked.. hard... and expected the best for his family... but back to the story.. hes dead.. been dead since 1994 so shes with this devil goat.. and is the most racist hypocritical person ive ever met.. but well push that aside.. she expects us to accept this gold chained furball while shes wearing anckle braceletts... she is quite mistaken.. but u kno what.. shes only related thru blood...
the innocent suffer in this the most... my poor father, i see behind his eyes and see that little boy in the old photographs....confused... in pain... and i dont know what to do....

so the conspiracy... my fathers grand mother is bout 89 or so... and shes been in and out of the hospital as old people are had both kness replaced and what not... her husband died when i was 4.. he was nice but thats all i remeber.. she was always siting in the big chair in their house.. she and her daughter lived next door to my house...id visit her when i got off the bus and keep her company .. she was there when i first found out bout weezer... we watched the budddy holly video on tv...thats bout the only real moment that we shared.. i dont think she was that interested... but .. i guess u get what u can... and u let favoritizm set in... but.. hey .. thats ignorance for ya!


yea so the goat's son or neffew or somerelative was her doctor.. in this DISCUSTING hospital.. they didnt wear gloves .. were was bloody swabs on the ground... just .. lying there.. they used their teeth to open the seringe for the iv.. SOOOOOOOO deserves to be shut the fuck down.... and they wondered why shed get sicker in the hospital... i donno.. aslong as they keep paying the bill we'll keep her alive and sick i guess... so her doc.. the relative of the daughers beaver faced boyfriend... they had her on TONS of morphine.. this bothered her breathing.. put her on a resperator... she cant eat any more.. feed her thru tube of nessisary fluids.. and wait wat do they do .. STOP FEEDING HER.. what the fuck? wait is this america? time out.. and they make fun of africa and the poverty but mean while we are jsut basting in our own disease here? u wanna regress but make fun of the weaker.. AHHHH I HATE IGNORANCE I HATE IT!
and they were all in tears at the hospital.. i just wanted to say
UR DOING THIS TO HER UR KILLIN HER
I WANTED TO PULL THE PLUG FOR HER SO SHE MAY HAVE A CHANCE OF NOT SUFFERING BE FOR DEATH
but that would have gotten me back in the nut house.. on phycotic drugs.. to bad im not nuts.. im just sane... and people can see that.. cus they are lost in their own stupidities


so the old woman died to day this morning... i dont kno if shes resting in peace.. i really couldnt tell u .... i cant cry for her..i dont feel guilty bout it either... itsn that a shame?


in relation to art... i got my new assignment.. we are gonna study vito acconci... CHECK HIM OUT and ive reallized... im soo happy to be getting an education.. to have the professors that i have that love and ador art...

im gonna be an artist...
thats it...
i havent earned the ability yet
but i m gonna be an artist when i grow up....
and im gonna change the world from this ignorance....

it all makes sence now....


i feel and i see.. cus im suposed to .. and im alive for a reason... and im slowly figureing it out...





FUCK ANTI DEPRESSANTS STILLING THE EMOTIONS OF OUR YOUTH REBELL REBELL REBELL!!!!
FEEL THE PAIN FEEL THE JOY LIFE IS NOT A STREET IN CLEAVLAND ITS THE ROAD COMMING DOWN POLISH HILL!
MAKE STUFF FROM EMOTION ! CREATE DONT DESTROY!




WAKE UP !

clevage? or cleaveland..... u can take it or leave it


well frankogehrys buildings are quite the amazment i must say my fellow humanians.. its all about the experiance mon amigis .... process .. thats mottosfor life and work





learn the things u bleed... and u kno ur going in the right place space and time



i bleed a few things
architecture is one of them....
but thats only cus i bleed music
i bleed emotional
i bleed pride
and a history



viva la rennisaunce e BBABABABABABAB BAROQUE!!!!!!!!



conversations with me are like a dali panting.....
damn.. wait till i paint
soon to come on that note



vangough got me there

so this is what this says






Your Existing Situation
Sensuous. Inclined to luxuriate in things which give gratification to the senses, but rejects anything tasteless, vulgar, or coarse.

Your Stress Sources
Seeks independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoids obligations or anything which might prove hampering. She is being subjected to considerable pressure and wants to escape from it so that she can obtain what she needs, but tends to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.
Has high emotional demands and is willing to involve herself in a close relationship, but not with any great depth of feeling.

Your Desired Objective
Seeks success, stimulation, and a life full of experience. Wants to develop freely and to shake off the shackles of self-doubt, to win, and to live intensely. Likes contacts with others and is enthusiastic by nature. Receptive to anything new, modern, or intriguing; has many interests and wants to expand her fields of activity. Optimistic about the future.

Your Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or her reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She attempts to remedy this by intense activity and by insistence on getting her own way. Faulty self-control can lead to ungovernable displays of anger.

Your Actual Problem #2
Fights against restriction or limitation, and insists on developing freely as a result of her own efforts.

My #1 result for the SelectSmart.com selector, Which Radiohead member are you?, is Jonny Greenwood

# posted by me @ 9:44 PM

azzkiker34: ok .. write me a story
skafiend2076: what kind of story
skafiend2076: so once upon a time there was a boy named....danny lets say
skafiend2076: he asked his friend nina to come over
skafiend2076: he jumped in the shower
skafiend2076: and left the door open
skafiend2076: and she never came
skafiend2076: he just stood in the shower, thinking what it would have been like for her to just walk in with no clothes on

quirky...thats what ricardo said

Where is my Mind?

You're smart, shy, and often nonsensical. You have dreams of being famous, and you're quirky enough that you just might pull them off. Some would call you a genius, others would call you insane, but in reality you're pretty well-adjusted. Take a vacation once in a while- it'll help take your mind off of your troubles.

Which Pixies song are you?

u might as well be shotting heroin



clarification is my new bag...
im not deprsessed.
ive never been happyier with my self
i have never been madder at a certain person
im in a good point in my life
and it took a lot of work and hope to get here
and some people need slaped inthe face
and if ur smart u will do it and get on wiht ur life
and u kno if u give up u will never start again
and its stupid to try to save the world if u cant save ur own skinny ass
and im not a bitch
and im not insane
and im ready to get on with my life
fancy that
and tragic heros are sooo passe
and u cant take a woman and turn her to a porcelin doll

you arnt samson and im no delilia
im a girl
i was stupid
and it wasnt that great
and some times if u open ur eyes u can see people and how unhappy they
and its may be its not ok to break my heart over and over cus u really dont kno what the love is sometime...
are and if ud just think be for u talked may be u might be able to help others and deep down ur very selfish and define the word asshole
and everything isnt fun sometimes u gotta get ur head in gear
and its ok


u kno what u can get thru it... ur still alive ...
so be for u start moping about what u have lost or dont have or cant do
appreaciate the things u do be fore they leave u ...

i think im gone to remain a memory cus i cant fall






and theres more to life than music
its called accual life... its the insperation

Would you like to hear my voice
sprinkled with emotion
Invented at your birth?





so they say so they say






maybe im just happy....
gar
my body hurts..
time for sleep

Its cold
And rough
And I kept standing 6'1"
Instead of 5'2"
And I loved my life
And I hated you





IM GONNA PEE ON UR FACE!






cus u step all over mine



But something about just being with you
Slapped me right in the face

I bet you fall in bed too easily
With the beautiful girls who are shyly brave
And you sell yourself as a man to save



so yes... liz phair...2 things...

1. why didnt i make out with ur music earlier.. and its kinda eriee that my style is kinda like urs ..... and i just realllly .. i mean rreall y listening


2. why did u have to go and suck? the new stuff is terrible.. ur like a hypo.....crit

plasted hypos.





funny no?

im soo sick... its funny... like ur face.. like my






everything is nothing nothing is everythign




love to the man in the mirror

i saw death this morning...
staring me face back in to the mirror..
dear god
ive never felt so damn sick in my life
granted i didnt sleep for 24 hours on top of that


meh
sick sucks
i saying i have the black plague
i mean im blowing up blood
theres nothing i can do but take me medicienes
i have popped soo many little pills to day
i hope they all work well with each other
eh well


la mama di strunzi e siempre incienta

so im ready to run away to italy and find that romeo that will love me like no other ....yes... u may laugh now.. but see its true... ill just wait... he can come and grab my ass and then there will be symponies....



even brazilians are hot:) but yes.. i donnoim soo exhausted sex drive is like negative 100 isnt that sad? this is me we are talking about.. miss makeout queen... i feel soo old and old and old and old... so tired but i have soo much more to do in studio... dear god it never ends but .. its what i do.... and what i do well....


im over alot of things
im over obsesing about my weight
im over in no designing with squares(so thats gonna be false haha)
im alot othing... i kno i can do alot.. thats why we are doing architecture....
i kno i have a way with words..
i know i can get away with shit ont he walls:)
i kno
but im lonely.. and my heating pad and body pillo can only keep me soo cradled at night.....

why am i so premature in my need for warmth... its .. um.. i just want someone to hold me
i kno i dont need it.. but i want some one
i want my momma
i want my grandfather
im a winney bitch


happy whatsomething.. there has to be a hollidy.. um yum kippor.. yea.. that.. its a renual of life.. and forgiveness... amen... muha







love the stranger cus theres nothing worst than being alone

quisiera dormir amor sobre tus pechos
quisiera vivir amor atado a tus huesos
estas sabanas mi amor estan muy frias
ven a darme tu calor y arrancame el dolor





i have a crush on my friend... ilove him but i dont want to ...but i do.. cus we could be happy... or just really dorky for ever and ever.. and im a nut ball... and its all good.. and im saying and a lot and i dont approve and i dont like finding things out late and i wish i was a better person and i cant stand not being full potential and i kno im missunderstood and i rather be that way and i just dont care sometimes and i really dont mean that and i really do care all the time and mean it when i say im sorry and i wish there was a way to fast forward everything to a world that will never exist and i want peace and i want air and i want to help and i dont know sometimes cus its just a ll a pain in the ass to find out that all ur work has been wasted on nothing and ur underappreaciated and i wish i wouldnt have had to tried to die to figure things out and im waiting for that time for me to do the thing i need to do and i hope to fix boo boos with bandaids and kisses and i kno my efforts will never be good enough for most for all that matter and i hope to lose more matter and slowly waste to oblivian and why are u even reading this u kno its a waste of time if its only gonna make u upset anyway and i kno it public if its published but its ur choice to read on or to abort the baby now and life has a funny way of rattlesnaking u in the eye at times and if u never cut ur self u will never grow new skin and if u never go out of ur comfort zone you will never amount to something more than average and i hope to be the one to push the buttons... i hope and i dont have to know that im gonna wake up tomarro.. cus .. if it happens it happens... and i guess the boysituation... if it happens it happens....

and to not get worried bout dreams...



so tangent if u will.. had the scariest dream ever yesterday... or so.. places and faces were changed but the names remained the same.. like the anti dragnet.. and let us fast foreward to the end.... i was being attacked and raped by a guy with piano wire.........


i couldnt stop shaking man... what the hell is this suposed to mean? u kno of all the dreams ive had.. ive never ever dreamedsome one was killing me... ive never dreamt my own death ....... is this a sign?i hope not


and the day be for i had a dream that i was um.. participating in lesbian practices.. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IM MY HEAD? DOES ANYONE WANT TO TELL ME CUS I HAVE NO DAMN CLUE

i donno.. i want boy but i dont want boy.. i want make out.. im more boy than most boy.. i dont even care about emotional attachments any mroe.. i jsut need to be kissed....isnt that sad? i feel like fricken scarlet ohara...
i can always make out with ashley.. har har har...:)
but its bret buttler i really want...

do i really want it?
the whole situation is like.. not really being hungry but there is birthday cake in front of u so u eat it...i dont really want a boy.. but.. its birthdaycake!


im not a cake eater for all those who kno what i mean


yea... so...


yea... and half of what i say is meaningless
imean
dont ask me why i said it
cus i already for got!











love to the man who has none

and david bowie

love is a for letter word for some and a thesis for others
im personally working for the 100 english sat or ap .. which ever u kno...

mmm oh to be a letter of love
maybe the l.. all lean and skinny
or the o... round and moving the lips
or the v
like a big vagina!haha
or the e...
like happy...


yea
happy


that was a word

there are some things ull just never kno or learn untill u die......













for me thats a really long list of all that is required of me right now...